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Mainstream - Gums


Terri Hall, Brother Theodore
Orignally released 1976
MVD Visual 2012
66 minutes

From the get-go, you can see Gums is the product of criminally low production value. The (cropped) 16:9 frame comprises a fuzzy image with faded colors that make it look like an old skin magazine that’s been left in the sun.

It might as well been fished out of the trash heap.

This is bottom of the barrel entertainment at its crassest. A lower-than-lowbrow parody of Jaws starring Terri Hall,  a « dancer » who has spent too much time in the nudie-cutie arena and one of New-York City’s most revered cult figures, the ranting and often unfathomable Brother Theodore.

Hall plays a lovelorn mermaid who preys on horny swimmers and literally sucks off her victim’s privates when satisfying her urges. Theodore is the « Quint » character – a crazed ex-nazi by the name of Carl Clitoris who get hired to find her.

The rest of the movie is peppered with set-pieces featuring jokes so lame you’ll get sick of groaning.

The film is presented in its R version cut down from its original X. Usually, this reviewer would tend to point this out as a negative but in this case, it’s the best thing about the movie. Gums features some of the ugliest sex ever caught on celluloid.  Sex so ugly, it will make you grateful for every obvious splice or cartoon overlay.  There’s a lame scene where the Richard Dreyfuss lookalike shares his « date » (an inflatable doll) in a threesome with the sheriff. In yet an even lamer scene, we cut back and forth between an ugly couple doing it « doggie-style » and a pair of actual dogs copulating.  

I’ll never complain about Ron Jeremy again.  

As we approach the climax of the film, an overlaid title flashes onscreen. It’s a memo from the producers suggesting they replace the lame actors with puppets since they probably act just as well. The next frame, puppets with raging « hardons » do appear in the actor’s place and we are treated to a heavily censored threesome as Terri Hall goes all Linda Lovelace on her hung (by threads) co-stars.

This is not a film to watch and enjoy. This is a film to play at 3AM when you want the last few guests to leave.

In that respect, I give it my highest recommendation.

For extras, the DVD features a trio of vintage (60s) black and white nudie loops featuring big busted models. 

Jean Guerin

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