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Action - Arachnoquake! Space June 23rd 9PM

Arachnoquake! Space June 23rd 9PM
Tracey Gold, Edward Furlong
Made for TV 2012
Space Channel June 23rd 9 PM

While it is unfair to compare Arachnoquake with classic “Nature’s revenge” flicks like Hitchcock’s The Birds or even the infamous Night of the Lepus for that matter; it is fair game to compare it with similar low budget offerings by the Syfy Network’s current wave of B-movies:  notably films by The Asylum like Megashark vs Giant Octopus or the new Roger Corman produced movies like Sharktopus. Sadly, Arachnoquake also fails in that comparison. It’s too damn serious for its own good.  It does deliver the goods, but seems content at dumping them on your front porch without even pushing the doorbell’s button.

You just know you’re in trouble when a movie that has “quake” in the title starts off by cheaping out on the quake itself.  Arachnoquake begins with characters at an egg farm discussing how the ground shook the night before.

It doesn’t lose time in introducing the “arachno”, however: after just a few minutes, Arachnoquake delivers its first big “ick” moment as the rash on the worker’s back pops like bubblegum and releases a freshly hatched white blind spider.

Then we’re introduced to our lovable loser hero-to-be as his dad demotes him to being a tour bus driver. Seems his drinking is interfering with his career as tour boat operator so a land vehicle should prove a safer alternative.

Among the passengers on the bus, we’ll find the withdrawn disgruntled gothish chick, the wise-cracking disgruntled old man with the cane and the self-agrandizing black business man and his trophy wife.  In short, your direct-to-cable disaster-movie audience-identification all-stars.

The bus grinds to a halt mere inches away from a deep chasm which has split New-Orleans in twain (although no one else has seemed to notice). Spiders the size of your hand crawl out of the hole. After much screaming and driving the tour bus around in a circle, they escape the hand-sized menaces to find refuge in a grocery store where they find themselves surrounded by dog-sized spiders – which now breathe fire.  

More screaming, more panic and more icky deaths occur as they are now escaping progressively bigger spiders. The action does ramp down long enough to come up with a scientific explanation explanation/environmental message: Fracking is behind it all. The controversial practice has caused the earthquake which released these spiders from their fossil-fuel soaked habitat (hence the fire breathing. Clever, uh?)

Arachnoquake airs June 23rd at 9 PM on Space

Jean Guerin

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